Thursday, January 19, 2017

January 19, 2017.... I'm a little scared


It is currently 9:49 pm on January 19, 2017. Meaning that we are in the last 2hours and 10 minutes of Barack Obama's presidency. I have been sitting here trying to contain my tears for the longest time. I mean, I always knew this day was going to come but.... I never could have anticipated the reality that I will be waking up to tomorrow. 

It has been almost 3 months and I still don't understand. I still feel like my legs have been kicked from underneath me. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't currently fighting off a full fledged anxiety attack. My chest is clenched, I can't seem to catch my breath and I feel so dizzy that if I wasn't seated, i'd surely fall over.

please hold

right, where were we?

I have apparently lived through 4 presidencies. That's weird. However, I feel like I grew up in the Obama presidency. In a way, I suppose I did. I had just turned 18, I had done the college thing for a bit, and I was stoked to be voting in my first election but I knew practically NOTHING about politics. The little that I knew came from my 12th grade Problems Of Democracy class. Paying attention to the candidates, the debates, and everything surrounding the election was MANDATORY for graduation. That being said, I only paid enough attention to know that Obama seemed like a cool guy. I liked what he stood for and I thought it would be cool to be a part of such a historical election. I remember election night. That feeling of "wow I was a part of that. This means something". I remember Inauguration Day, crying with my family. LIVING for Beyonce (nothing new)...I knew nothing. I've learned so much in the last 8 years. I haven't always agreed with this administration but I have watched in AWE as this man lead with class, eloquence and grace. As he demonstrated empathy and kindness in the face of constant opposition, negativity, disrespect and outright bigotry. He and his family have been shining examples of what it is to be good and my heart breaks over the fact that come tomorrow, that light will no longer be the head of this country. But I am SO THANKFUL that this is the man that lead me into adulthood.

 Looks like I'll be crying on another Inauguration Day...

I'll admit it... I'm scared. I'm scared of January 21st. I'm scared of waking up and living in a trump America. I'm scared and I'm angry. BUT in the 3 almost  months that I've had to try and come to terms with this dark reality, I've made a decision. ...I say this as if I hadn't made this decision a long time ago... I guess I should say, I've been catapulted into action. I'm scared but I will not be held down or silenced. As much as the people that put this man into office would like me to,  as much as my anxiety would like me to,I won't! I will take that fear and anger and channel it into productivity. I will use it to as fuel and will make my voice heard. I will scream until my lungs give out! We will NOT go back! We CAN'T. How sick is it that people are terrified to simply EXSIST?!?! That hatred and bigotry... misogyny, sexual assault, homophobia, Islamophobia, xenophobia is not only normalized but praised!!!! I can't sit by and watch that happen. Not as a POC, a woman, an ally, a HUMAN! One of my new year's resolutions was to do more that actually matters. Well, for the next 4 years I want to do just that! I want to actively work/fight towards a better America. Starting on the first day of Donald's ...................... presidency (that's still really hard for me to say.) On Saturday I will be in DC at the Women's March with two of my friends and about 20,000 other like minded individuals. We will NOT TOLERATE hatred in any form! We WILL KEEP GOING FORWARD!

Right before starting this post, I saw that my queen Audra McDonald tweeted this 

"Remember, tomorrow we are not crowning a king, or bowing down to a dictator. Tomorrow our new employee starts his temp job. We're the boss." 

I needed that

Thank you for everything. My last ask is the same as my first. I'm asking you to believe—not in my ability to create change, but in yours. -President Barack H. Obama


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